my favorite type of fish is selfish

there is no such thing as an altruist. the only reason anyone does anything is to further their own self interest. 'philanthropists' who give huge sums of money to charity or spend all their time performing 'community service' do that shit because they get off on selflessness or because it improves their image. if they didn't enjoy performing such kindhearted actions or if they didn't help them they simply wouldn't do them. actually sometimes it could be done out of necessity like if a billionaire celebrity isn't constantly dumping lots of cash into good causes he'll be percieved as a greedy shithole and ppl will stop liking him and he will no longer be rich/famous/adored.

one implication of this is that yr friends aren't really yr friends, they don't really genuinely care about you. they are friends with you for their own benefit, either so they can constantly borrow money from you or use you as a wingman or for your connections. or maybe they actually just enjoy yr company because you are funny/witty/attractive/etc so association with you improves their status (but that's unlikely honestly) the bottom line is that no one gives a shit about you and like it or not you don't give a shit about anyone else

even like, buddhists, they're all like "rid yourself of all desire! and you will find nirvana" oh yeah? if you're as disconnected from desire as you claim, why do you want to achieve nirvana so badly. looks like the justification for your lifestyle has more holes than the tattered robe you're wearing

bottom line is: next time someone gives you a gift you should call him out on being a piece of shit instead of thanking him

are you serious

wow. fuck me.

do you know what this is? this is the Amzer® Bicycle Handlebar Mount For Motorola Droid A855, i'm not kidding,

the person who designed this piece of shit is going straight into the deepest circle of hell, that's past the murderers, rapists, and gays

oh, and it's not like the people who approved or marketed this are getting off the hook, they're every bit as responsible for acting as enablers - catalysts - for this utter catastrophe, it's as if they saw a baby drowning in a pool or some shit and instead of deciding to save him they just kicked him around and left him to suffer, they had the opportunity to bring something atrocious to a full stop before it reached its full terrible potential, but they greenlighted it instead

do you realize just exactly how fucking awful this is. this is worse than the businessbros who have a bluetooth piece chillin in their ear all day, oh man i am soooo important i gotta be able to take phone calls at all times even when my hands are both occupied (one signing my own paycheck, the other furiously "stimulating" my boss's penis)

this thing is worse, way worse. this belongs to the goddamn garbage bag who rides a bicycle to work every day, he rolls into the office and takes off his helmet and you ask jokingly "what's with the bike dude" and then he freezes, sternly looks you in the eye, and with a voice dripping with condescension whose thickness is only matched by the slime coursing through his veins, says, 100% non-ironically, "i'm helping the earth. it's important. how are you helping?"

i guess helping the earth is not quite as important as being able to check your messages while you're biking to work, shitbag. just make sure you're not answering an email as you cycle across the highway, you might get run over and land the noble hero who collided with you into a big legal mess

i mean, i'm cool with biker bros, but, some peeps just take it too far,

cool as fuck architecture

one of the reasons why artists and art enthusiasts receive so much flak is because there is essentially nothing 'useful' about the work they do. doctors help sick ppl, lawyers help guilty ppl, stockbrokers help rich ppl, and so on and so forth but artists in the opinion of this particular segment of critics don't really make anyone's life better to any tangible capacity. "whoop-de-fuckin-do, you made a painting, what do i care? i'm curing cancer, you pretentious little shit" thinks the pragmatically-minded medical researcher.

while the validity of this criticism is certainly not assured or credible, i think art makes everyday life better on a very subtle level, anyway, there are some people who are able to create a meaningful fusion of art and utility, those people are the architects. yeah maybe at the core these people are artists, their vocation is to design media that is to be appreciated and/or analyzed after all but on a much more fundamental level they are designing buildings and if you take a sec to think about it buildings are rly what allow our modern urban society to function as it does. where do you wake up each morning, in a bed, where is that bed, in a house. where do work, in an office/firm/lab/studio/etc, where is that etc, in a building. if you were to rank present day cultures from most "primitive" to most "advanced" i'd wager that as you get closer to the 'advanced' end of the spectrum then the # and size of buildings in those societies will both increase,

in this way the architect is a sort of post-artist, a post-designer,a post-builder. the architect represents the rare but powerful combination of necessity and superfluity, he is, indeed, the perfect man (or woman, how awesome does 'architectress' sound"

the transcendence of the architect is also portrayed in popular media. it's no surprise that when the wachowski bros had to name the cool, calculating, infinitely intelligent bro who built the matrix itself they called him 'the architect'


sup

anyway just wanted to share some cool as fuck architecture with yall since architecture represents the ultimate profession in terms of both pure aesthetic value as well as providing a fundamental and tangible service to all



if i lived in this apartment building i'd look out the window every once in a while and see if i can spot a guy tripping on acid staring at the metal slivers thinking they were ghosts or jellyfish or the wind or some shit. he'd be my best friend



how cool would it be to study geometry in this building



looks like something out of LOST



cool room to have ppl over for a book club meeting



apart from serving as a receptacle for mail, this piece also has the added function of scaring the fuck out of mailmen

in any case i decided i'm gonna be an architect and get respect from both artists and practical ppl, do yall know what colleges have good architecture programs? thanks in advance for yr advice yall

semiotic paradoxes

the human mind is foolish. it can be tricked, duped, deceived, manipulated, and bent against its will. really if humans weren't such dumb fucks we wouldn't be constantly plagued by such problems as wars, oil spills, and shitty music wow that would be so nice

the element that is primarily responsible for the inadequacy of the mind is a sense of intuition that is hard to override. back when we were hunter gatherers we didn't need to think much really. just get yr fruit and kill yr boars and find a nice cave to sleep in and fuck a cave chick once in a while to make kids. no need to check yr hair in the morning or pay taxes or study for that exam or finish that project yr boss assigned months ago. no need to think, in fact the more you relied on your intuition, your 'autopilot' the better off you would probably be, if you see a berry that you think is like poisonous you just walk away from that shit. no need to set up control groups and longitudinal analyses to conclusively determine the effect of the active chemical in the berries on the human endocrine system. as soon as you let your curiosity get ahead of you your ass is in danger. so naturally 'evolution' rewarded the peeps who just acted on instinct and didn't think things entirely thru

the end result is that we are very easy to fool, and there are thousands of paradoxes existing everywhere around us.

for instance a few weeks ago i was riding in my friend sidi's car and i saw a cluck u chicken menu chillin on the ground (cluck u is a chicken joint,) i have never eaten there but i guess he has. anyway the 'mascot' of cluck u is a chicken bro with one of those athletic shirts (are they called jerseys i have no idea) i think the point is that he goes to 'cluck university' here is a picture



initially you think, oh there is nothing semiotically dissonant about this arrangement of symbols. since this place serves fried chicken it makes sense that their mascot should be an anthropomorphic chicken (note the human-like eyes and eyebrows as well as the fingers on the ends of the wings) but upon closer examination that makes no sense why would a chicken bro want to represent an establishment that kills hella amounts of chickens and treats them brutally and awfully so a bunch of self-serving pieces of shit that epitomize exhaustively the set of negative american characteristics can satiate their primitive desires for incredibly unhealthy food. they are furnaces that must be fed. fat fucking furnaces at that

poor chicken mascot bro. imagine a day in this dude's life. he pretends to chill around cluck university to attract potential students/victims. he's also probably a professor there teaching classes to the chicken student bros about how to become fattened up (so they will unbeknownst to them be better candidates for slaughter) and then every once in a while has to pose for a camera with a smile for promotional material

he may be smiling in all the photos you see of him but inside he is harboring anguish, how do you think this guy sleeps at night, if he sleeps at all then he wakes up every morning with dried tears on his pillow

also czech this shit out



that's the ben & jerry's cow in case you didn't recognize it

do you really think that cow is thanking you? do you really think it's fucking glad that you are buying ice cream from ben & jerry's?

you know how it takes like an entire fucking forest to make 1 piece of paper? it's the same with milk and ice cream. hella liters of milk go into each 'lovingly' crafted cone of ice cream. well you know what? what if that cow wanted to start a family. imagine this fucking cow. going to the store to get a crib and a little mobile to hang over it and some cute as fuck stuffed animals. we're not done yet, this cow is going fucking all-out. she's buying that goddamned baby einstein shit. and thousands of boxes of diapers, made of organic cloth and tenderness. so this cow is all ready to have its kid and be the best mother ever right? and all of a sudden a ben & jerry's agent goes up to her and is like "yo what do you think you're doing storing up all that milk for your kid. we need that to make ice creams. do you even know how much milk you need to make an ice cream? hella milk so we need all the milk we can get. hand over the goods fatty."

no other cow on the farm can sleep that night as wails of sadness pierce the dark sky

and the next morning it has to thank people buying b&j's ice cream

and

at first glance it seemed perfectly normal and ok

for the cow to be thanking you

and for the chicken to be smiling

good books you should read but probably haven't

popular culture would have you believe that in order to be 'cool' you have to listen to obscure music, be in a band, wear stylish clothing, be very good at a sport or game or have some other talent or ability, know hella languages, have hella cash, etc etc. but it's wrong all you need to do to be cool is to read all the time

srsly nothing is so sophisticated as reading, it's so much more of an intellectual commitment than listening to an album or watching a movie because it's impossible to progress unless you're paying attention. whether you're actually listening to the music or not the record will keep on spinning but pages don't just turn themselves bro. also since literature is (almost) always conveyed on analog media (fuck you nook kindle etc) it gives you a badass kickin-it-old-school aesthetic which is awesome for the same reason that listening to music on vinyl is cooler than having cheap piece of shit apple headphones ostentatiously & uncomfortably stuck in yr ears all the time

you probably are thinking oh that is all well and good but how am i supposed to know what new stuff to read, i've read a lot of good famous stuff but idk where to go from here. because the 'content' of the media that i consume actually matters. and it's a sad and unfortunate truth that 'popcorn lit' is proliferating (popcorn lit is the type of shit you can buy @ little giftshops or bookstores at airports, you know what i'm talking about, the big thick books with showy covers by no-name authors, they're literature's analog of like miley cyrus (also shit like twilite)) and there isn't a source like rottentomatoes or pitchfork that covers books as in-depth or as broadly as music or movie review sites. well i have got some good news for you bro! i have here some great lit for you to read that you probably have not read before

(note. you don't actually need to read these to be cool. you theoretically could just walk around pretending to read and making sure that the cover is visible to everyone you're trying to impress. but unless you aren't as shallow as a bowl of soup, you should actually read them to expand yr mind etc)

1. heart of darkness



"but i already read this in my high school english class!" no you fucking didn't you scrubby piece of shit, you looked up chapter summaries online. this is easily one of the best books ever written and as a bonus it's universally recognizable. most people think it's about how terrible imperialism is etc but i think it goes deeper than that, imo heart of darkness is a book about literature. but i always look into things too much. reading this book does require a bit of stamina however, despite the fact that it's p. short it's hella dense. shit's denser than tokyo (not as dense as a black hole tho)

2. a man without a country



everyone's heard of kurt vonnegut and his most famous books like cat's cradle and slaughterhouse five. this is most likely a shitty analogy but i guess maybe that kv is the pink floyd of modern literature because he was able to achieve mainstream success with a new unique alternative style. and then you could say that cat's cradle and slotty five are like the wall and dark side of the moon. but just like pink floyd, kv has a lot of little-known underrated material that is just as good or even better than the better-known stuff. amwoc is the last thing he published when he was alive, it's a semi-autobiographical collection of essays about his life as well his opinions about culture politics america the world etc. and instead of hinting at his message behind a façade of 'symbolism' and 'characters' like he does in his novels, kv tells it straight in amwoc. reading this book is like being face to face with him and listening to him speak it's awesome

3. the stranger



similar to heart of darkness above, you've almost certainly heard of the stranger but almost certainly not read it. the stranger is about a chill bro who doesn't give a shit about anything except eating, sleeping, and fucking, he is a true 'nihilist.' small warning, just make sure that you don't start randomly killing ppl after reading this, it's going to be v. tempting

4. too loud a solitude



i read this very recently and i loved it, it's really short and beautiful. it's about this poor guy who trash-compacts wastepaper and books. it's pretty 'meta' in this sense bc it's a book about books. also it's translated from czech so you can be all like "yeah i read foreign language lit, english is so passé" and then watch as everyone around you is blown away by yr impressive alternative-ness

5. house of leaves



k so to be honest i haven't read this yet (i've been meaning to) but apparently it's a total mindfuck where the very presentation of the work itself is part of the story. it has like 500 footnotes and hidden codes and backwards pages and colored text and a goddamned appendix. very 'edgy,' i'll start reading tomorrow hopefully

aight now get off the internet and start reading. although i apologize in advance if these books don't measure up to expectation, if you're used to reading springwells then this stuff might seem a bit weak in comparison

biographers are dumb

in this world which is becoming progressively urbanized as people get less and less sleep so they can study longer in an increasingly competitive academic environment so they can get better paying jobs and work more hours all to better fit the global model of "successful rich person" people are becoming mechanized, they're becoming expendable statistics. bob the builder is not a human being with a family to robertson construction inc, he's a cell on a spreadsheet that tells the company how much of an economic asset he is and if he is no longer profitable he is laid off

as a response to this we see a newfound appreciation for things such as existentialism and eastern philosophy developing. you are the center of the universe you are so important stop reading this and go seize the fucking day. quit yr 9-to-5 and become a firebreathing circus performer or a photojournalist or a "poet" or something equivalently bohemian. but although this mindset is fairly goddamned moronic (because the last thing we need is more talentless hacks who think that they're perfect unique snowflakes and entitled to respect from society at large when all they really do is drain tax money and suck up oxygen that could be put to better use) i'll admit that it is meritorious to some extent. if everyone were a lawyer or paper pusher or exec we'd get bored p. fast, we need people to take control of their own lives in ways that are inspiring, breathtaking, tearjerking, etc.

so. given this. can someone explain to me why biographers exist

biographers are people who dedicate their lives to the pursuit of studying and documenting the lives of cooler, smarter, more successful, more interesting people in meticulous detail and then getting that account published. they're not seizing their days they're telling you about how other people have seized theirs. imagine for a second that you're the most successful and renowned biographer to have ever lived. guess what buster. you're still not half the person that you wrote that bestselling biography about

future biographer probably

dear biographers of the world: stop living vicariously through people who are better than you and make yr own story

just remember to thank me when you've realized yr full potential

and write yr next biography about me if it's not too much trouble

ambiguity

here is a list of 11 sayings. try and "guess" which ones are ancient and revered buddhist proverbs and which ones are pretentious bullshit with which i came up myself

(that sentence ended with "i came up myself" lol)

1. your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts

2. things are not what they appear to be; nor are they otherwise

3. happiness does not come from having much but from being attached to little

4. fall asleep as a man, dream as a child, and awaken enlightened

5. although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision

6. sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself

7. a snake hisses at a tree; centuries later the snake is dust and the tree still stands

8. not the wind, not the flag, but the mind is moving

9. life is like stepping onto a boat that is about to sail out to sea and sink

10. to sit and think is meditation, to sit in thought is enlightenment

11. we are nothing but water, sand, and a few afterthoughts

highlight the space below for the answers

authentic buddhist sayings are 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9

pretentious bullshit is 4, 7, 10, 11

magnets

not a real object

i am pretty sure - no, scratch that. i am fairly certain that magnets aren't real. they exert force at a distance without a goddamn power source for fuck's sake. here are some other things that share this ability:

- wizards

wizards are often seen in fictional media remotely manipulating objects with their wands or other magical (and revolutionary) devices (at unbelievable prices)

- telekinesis

whether it's bending spoons or stopping bullets or controlling water/fire/etc the word 'telekinesis' itself literally means "motion at a distance"

- jedi knights

jedi can use the force to move objects and also to shoot lightning bolts and gain foresight. yoda used the force to pull an x-wing out of the swamp and he doesn't need batteries not even the little tiny ones. well actually if i remember correctly in the movie yoda looks worn out after he does that but he's probably just acting so he seems modest to luke. yoda is just not the kind of douchebag that pulls a plane out of a bog and then does a couple somersaults, "look at me i'm older than the goddamn solar system and i don't get tired doing something you're not even capable of." and in any case when the good guys are having the epic jedi duels with the bad guys they are constantly flinging rocks doors debris etc at each other with the force (because they're too cowardly/lazy to fight each other with their yknow lightsabers) and that doesn't seem to exert them at all

i can discern two commonalities among the three things i listed above, the first is that they can all exert force at a distance and the second is that none of them are real. excuse me i'm about to cause every dead statistician to perform proverbial acrobatics in their graves but i'm going to go out on a metaphorical limb here and assert that these two attributes are causally linked somehow. so the only conclusion is that since magnets can also apply force at a distance, they must also not be real

ok great this post probably is going to fuck up the stock markets because now that i have exposed this secret all the magnet making companies are going to go out of business. and as any scrub who has been paying attention to the news can tell you magnets are basically the lynchpin of the global economy. you could say that the magnet business is holding the markets together because it causes an attractive force among corporations and customers

oh god someone kill me now before i cause another catastrophe

money, etc

hella cash yo

society "revolves" about the acquisition and disposition of money which is strange if you think about it because money is just ugly little strips of paper, actually most of the world's money supply (something like 80%) is virtual, it's just data in machines it's not even real. we think we like to pretend as kids when we fuck around with toy soldiers and dolls but it's really the fat cats in wall street who are doing the high-power pretending, moving around imaginary money from person to person. those douchebags take the fun out of everything

say what you want about capitalism, it's true that it brought about countless inventions that make our collective daily lives better and at its essence celebrates the ingenuity of the human species but i think it's ultimately going to bring about our demise because it's the ultimate source of extrinsic motivation. every time a promising young artist chooses to go into business or banking or whatever instead of what they want to do the future gets a little darker. you think i write this shit for fun? this website is my only source of income atm (LOL wow i'm fucked)

in any case the ability of money to influence human behavior is unparalleled and when you take into consideration the fact that money is an artificial abstraction it's p. astounding. also i'm sure you've seen something like this before

thermoneyter

so apparently money is analogous to heat. i guess this explains why girls find rich guys to be "hot"

but there is another implication behind this particular semiotic specimen. heat is a basic manifestation of energy, so this analogy equates money with energy, the lifeblood of the very universe itself. is that taking it a step too far? in the words of that weird dude from waking life, "it's bad enough that you sell your waking life for minimum wage, but now they get your dreams for free."

what a depressing state of affairs,

join the revolution today! fight the power! burn all yr cash

i would if i had any

piglet squid

i found a hella rad animal. look at this shit

it's called a piglet squid, like a combination of a pig and a squid. but it doesn't resemble either a pig or a squid as much as a balloon with a nose and smiley face, and wavy gelatinous hair. just look at him

no matter what troubles he has he just floats on right along with that big smile on his face. if he's out of money or out of love or nothing's going his way. he'll just keep swimming

look at his goddamn nose.

i just want to tie this guy to a string and fill him with air and bring him along with me

gender role confusion

thought experiment: the ratio of straight to gay people is switched

so now straight people probably get discriminated against because they are the minority, and can't get married and belligerent 13-year olds comment on youtube videos with such constructions as "wow this sh1t is soooo str8 y did u even make this"

but also the world population is much smaller because a lot less people are having babies, that means less people in the workforce, which means smaller scale economies, slower technological advancement, etc

in fact, since being heterosexual is socially deviant, the act or notion of conception itself is disgraceful, people have kids in secret, and instead of being stigmatized for being adopted, kids adopted by gay couples are the cool kids on the block because their parents aren't dirty fuckin heteros.

also people are more stylish flamboyant and dramatic

reasons to smoke cigarettes

the cigarette has seen a glorious rise and an ominous demise, it used to be the coolest goddamn thing you could possibly smoke but then some scientists decided to investigate it and realized that it was really bad for yr health and the surgeon general got involved and man it was a huge mess

now there is a sin tax on cigarettes and the people who smoke them are social pariahs/misfits in other words the 'image' of the cigarette and its consumers has been tarred

what an unfortunate series of circumstances for the cigarette,

but as the sages say, what goes down must come up, is that what they really say i don't know. i sense a revival in the popularity of smoking foul, dangerous, and unhealthy tobacco, for the following reasons, so here are the reasons, why you should take up smoking today

1. it's subversive and countercultural

everyone at heart wants to be a cool kid. even if you hate the urban-type culture snobs you are still jealous of them to some degree and the reason why is because they are able to so effortlessly shrug off the shackles of society by being confident and progressive and willing to try out new 'shit,' in other words there is a reason why hipsters always set music and fashion trends even though they are basically retards. well now that the cigarette is essentially universally despised now is your chance to try and be cool (i.e. idiotic) by selecting cigarettes as your thing.

2. it costs a lot of money

in all those health videos that they show in high school there is always this smug economics-type dude with a mustache and a calculator who explains to you how much money you can save over yr lifetime if you quit smoking. well frankly this guy's grasp of economics is elementary at best because he is only analyzing short-term financial consequences. he doesn't understand the concept of an opportunity cost. in other words when you spend money on cigarettes, then you are saving yrself the trouble of spending that money on other, stupider, stuff, for instance by buying a pack of cigarettes you are denying yrself access to money that could be spent on say a poster with all 493 or however goddamn many pokemon there are now on it, or a couple of horrible movies, or clothes that don't fit and are therefore useless. if you spend money on cigarettes then you'll have less money and the chance of fucking up your money is lower because it is an obvious truth that a simpler system with less elements is a lot less susceptible to an entropic shitstorm of irreversible chaos, that is why poor people and retards live such stress free lives, they just have to worry about eating food and finding a place to sleep, whereas rich people have to fret over tax returns and paying bills and hiring enough staff to maintain their six-story mansion and managing a tough ceo position in some crazy prestigious business firm and wondering what lavish gifts to buy with which to spoil their incredibly attractive wives/husbands/heterolifemates and incredibly spoiled children, which life sounds better now, huh, punk? oh by the way do you have a light

3. you will be a perfect freudian specimen

who ever hasn't wished that they could be the anthropomorphic personification of an abstract concept such as a psychoanalytic theory. when you smoke then you are putting in your mouth a long firm cylindrical object. and the tip of it ejects a wispy white discharge. this performance calms and pleasures the user to such an extent that the behavior is addictive,

perhaps the smoking of the cigarette indicates a regression to an earlier stage of psychosexual development, i.e., sucking yr thumb, alternately, it could be the expression of a repressed desire to fellate a penis, whatever in either case smoking is the epitome of outdated psychological theories and so if you want to start smoking and you can find a time machine and go to the late 1800s/early 1900s and meet sigmund freud he'd probably pay you a bunch of cash to study you (then you can buy more cigarettes with the cash (and get studied more, in fact if you do this correctly you could end up with a veritable possé of psychologists following you around everywhere you go, when there is a critical mass of them then you can go around pretending to be their leader and that they are your band of mad scientists and walk into say a store and hold up the store by saying something to the effect of 'give me all the money or i will nuke the store, please note my entourage of mad scientists, trust me, they will not be afraid to bomb this place, and then perform experiments on yr corpse, (and now that you have robbed the store you have more money to buy more cigarettes (it's a positive feedback loop of tragedy))))

i can't think of anything better to do with a time machine actually

pice

you know that feeling at a party or gathering when someone who is like socially awkward shows you something absolutely retarded and asks "cool right cool right" and you nod quietly but internally you're retching and vomiting and dying and then you try and get the hell away from him in an attempt to disassociate yourself from him

yeah well this "product" totally epitomizes that feeling

imagine yeah you're pouring yourself a drink minding yr own business appreciating the lo-fi downtempo chill music that's playing in the background or looking at the nice artwork on the wall when your "friend" shows up and asks hey is yr drink cold enough and you're like yeah and he's like nah looks warm to me as if he has synaesthesia and can fucking visually perceive temperatures and all of a sudden pulls out this ice tray with pi ice cubes (pice cubes) and drops some in yr drink and then says don't thank me, thank newton's law of cooling!!! and the only thing you're thinking is jesus christ i hope nobody saw this happen

but the real problem is that we're reinforcing this type of behavior. when you just give a complicit nod you're implying that the guy is right, we have to reconceptualize our strategy, next time this happens to you you have to say "no this is idiotic leave me the fuck alone" and then stuff the pice cubes down his throat

promise you'll say that, i want to hear you say you promise, come on say it out loud

holy shit

i finally figured out how to rephrase the title of the post about crimes that are incredibly easy to get away with so that it no longer ends in a preposition

it's "crimes with which getting away is incredibly easy"

i made some abstract art

btw it's iphone wallpaper sized so feel free to download it and use it, as an iphone wallpaper

what do you think what do you think

life in three dimensions

so i saw alice in wonderland in 3d a couple of weeks ago and must have left the glasses in my pocket or something because i found them in my pants recently, i decided to start wearing them regularly

therefore i can see in 3d now, you should get some yrself and try it out, it's "hella legit" trust me it adds a whole new dimension to life

crimes that are incredibly easy to get away with

this is a metaphor

if you are anything like me then it is likely that yr moral compass is long gone, either you disassembled it piece by piece, individually separated all of the atoms, and collided them into antimatter particles thus removing them from existence, or the metaphorical earth-analogue to the compass underwent that weird shit where the two poles switch their magnetism so the compass now points in the wrong direction, or you went blind and can no longer see where the needle is pointing, or you lifted the glass cover and took the needle and stabbed someone's eyes with it and then took all their money

in any case now that you are liberated from the oppressive shackles of 'law' and more importantly 'morality' you're free to do whatever shit you want to no matter how illegal immoral or socially stigmatized it is. if you are wondering what to do with your newfound superpowers then you are no longer going to need to wonder what to do with your newfound superpowers because i am about to make some suggestions regarding what you can do with your newfound superpowers in terms of actions that can benefit your self-interest while simultaneously incurring a very low risk of being caught and handled by the authorities, that would be embarrassing wouldn't it? your psyche would be unclothéd and your lack of a compass will be revealed to all, oh and also you will probably be in jail with some big angry dudes, my only advice is don't drop the soap, unless you want to know what it feels like to have a needle in yr compass, if you know what i mean, (haha this takes the meaning of 'magnetism' to a whole new level, like electromagnetism, damn)

1. shoplifting

unlike lift shopping, which is a process by which any given individual enters a lift store (forklifts, elevators, etc) and legitimately acquires a lift by means of giving the owner of the shop money, shoplifting is a process by which any given individual enters a store (lift store, fork store, etc,) and illegitimately acquires a product (lift, fork, etc) by sneaking it out.

some stores have security 'cameras' but these are easy to deal with because you can just take an emp with you and disable them (let's for a moment pretend like you don't need a military license or whatever shit you need to carry an emp to carry an emp) or do it the old fashioned way and disconnect the cables manually

2. software piracy

install torrent client, download torrent, leech. done. no one will ever know. except you.

3. piracy

steal a ship, get a crew, pillage and plunder. done. no one will ever know. except you. and yr crew.

4. slander and libel

tell a lie about someone in a published work

you always will get away with this because no one will ever read anything you publish

5. forgery

some master forgers spend years learning how to duplicate the handwriting of others, however there is a much easier way to commit forgery, just kidnap the person whose signature you want to forge and force them at gunpoint to sign. you will probably get in trouble for the kidnapping but if you can get past that point it's virtually impossible to get caught for the forgery itself

6. writing this post

i am closer to dying than i've ever been. every second is a second i'll never get back. spending my time on this is a crime i should be doing something else

brb gonna go have a mind-bendingly awesome experience

p.s. does anyone have any idea how to rephrase the title of this post so that it doesn't end in a preposition. i've been thinking about it for days on end, my eyes are red and itching for sleep, because i have been thinking about it instead of sleeping, i don't think it's "crimes with which it is incredibly easy to get away" because then the word 'it' has no antecedent, fuck

slitheringly classic entertainment: a review of snake

some of you pipsqueaks might not be able to relate to this article but i am sure that many of you will. back in like 2000, before everyone had a smartphone with the specs of a high-end computer from like 2000, everyone had a piece of shit phone with a 30x30 pixel screen that couldn't do anything besides make calls and play snake (i don't even remember if texting existed back then, if it did then only super nerdy people used it)

anyway i remember constantly asking my parents to borrow their cell phones so i could play snake, the high score board was shortly plastered with my glorious name

and now for the review

gameplay

obviously the most important aspect of any given game is its gameplay mechanics. in snake you must move the snake around to eat... something, this makes you gain points but also makes the snake longer. if you touch yourself you die. thus the longer the game runs, the more difficult it is to stay alive. this mechanic is brilliant seriously wow how in the world did they come up with this shit. when playing snake, my ass is always on the veritable edge of my proverbial seat, every time i eat the thing, my heart rate surges as my brain panics, oh fuck oh fuck now i'm one unit longer, i'm gonna die. but i'm really goddamn good at snake so i never do. in any case the fact that the difficulty of the game increases as you score more points is a terrific feature that is virtually absent in all other games, which is why snake is so great and addictive. 10/10

graphics

despite being a groundbreakingly addictive and innovative game snake has the shittiest graphics ever, for one it's called snake and there aren't any snakes anywhere no don't tell me that the series of pixels is a snake it's a series of fucking pixels it lacks all of the defining characteristics of snakes such as scales a forked tongue and sharp fangs dripping with poison, it doesn't slither with symbolism or hiss with malicious intent, it doesn't have beady, glittering eyes. it doesn't even glide like a snake it abruptly moves forward one pixel at a time as if in stop-motion, and it can't make smooth turns, nope snake you can't turn fucking northwest you gotta turn west then fucking north. (or north first whatever. there's nothing good in the northwest anyway. you could say in fact that northwestern things are worthless, for instance universities,) whatever ok snake's graphics are definitely its weakest point, they are vague and primordial i don't know what the snake is even trying to eat, 1/10

story

let's be real not everyone who plays games is trying to win. i've seriously had it with hypercompetitive douchebags that research the game's fucking algorithms in an attempt to find glitches to exploit so they can defeat their "friends." some people just like to take it easy and enjoy the literary and storytelling ability of the designers, sadly though it seems as if the creators of snake were as creatively endowed as robots working in a factory (or graduate school,) the game's plot is not underdeveloped, but absent. i want to know the snake's past, why he is out to eat all of these things, why he grows longer every time he eats one, and why in the world he blows up when he touches himself, whoever cursed him with this characteristic must be the most wicked motherfucker to walk the earth, srsly imagine getting killed every time you come into contact with yrself. maybe if i knew more about the story behind this game i would have some sympathy with the snake as a protagonist. i'd be more motivated to drive him to success. i'd have higher scores on average probably. but alas, i do not, the story of the snake is as mysterious as the snake itself, 0/10 for the game's storyline

weighted average: 6.8/10

snake, despite its shortcomings, is a good game overall. it is not as strategic as starcraft, not deep as bioshock, not aesthetic as mirror's edge. but it's still a great game - a classic - and remains unrivaled in its ability to waste time while waiting for the train to arrive or for your prison term to end. snake, i - no, we - salute you.

learning about sports

a young child assaulting a motionless object

this is the log of an interview i conducted with an acquaintance of mine he is a t-ball coach/referee and i realized upon learning that about him that i basically know shit about t-ball so in an attempt to enlighten myself as well as springwells readers i asked him a couple of questions about it:

mh: what initially attracted you to t-ball?

jb: oh, well the fun qualities of the game, i get to watch some pretty hilarious incidents on the ballfield and i get community service for it

mh: can you give an example of a specific hilarious instance?

jb: ok well, there was a time, a couple weeks ago, that a kid would not stop running around the bases, eventually passing the lead runner (which is a big no-no in this sport) and i literally had to pick him up and place him back on 1st bas to get him to stop running

mh: what do you find most frustrating?

jb: the kids have ultra-short attention spans, and this makes teaching difficult

I have to split my time between many activities to keep them engaged and am not able to focus on the key points as much as i would like

AND they constantly have to go to the restroom

it's insane

mh: are there any stereotypes about t-ball which you think are true (or false?)

jb: most are true

for example, many people think the kids are very out-of-touch with what goes on in the game

I will refer to a popular joke

a kid was running around the bases but when he rounded third he was confused because he heard his coach screaming "stay at third!!" and his mother screaming "Johnny you come home right this instant"

obviously the kid didnt get the difference between "home" as in his house and home as in the plate

mh: how important is t-ball to your self-image?

jb: well, I would say very important insofar as

1. it reinforces my image among my peers as a giving, caring individual

2. it is also crucial to my self-esteem because i am very competitive

and coaching a successful game makes me feel successful

and thats about it :0

mh: does t-ball play as big a role in your life as school? friends? god?

jb: definitely not, though that would be very funny

mh: thank you for your time

***

ironically i still don't know anything about t-ball....,

maybe i should have asked different questions

a sickening snippet

4:58:52 PM arseniy: brb pewp,

Changed status to Away: Away (5:01:54 PM)

Changed status to Online (5:02:57 PM)

5:03:02 PM arseniy: oh wow dude

5:03:07 PM arseniy: that was so good

5:03:21 PM arseniy: omg and it smelled

5:03:32 PM arseniy: good

5:03:36 PM mh: dude,,

what the fuck is this

props to my bro-dawg michael davis for bringing this travesty to my attention

this device has a small coiled spring attached to a body that rapidly rotates and vibrates the spring and the purpose of it is to froth the foam on a latte

even more despicable is the stand though, the stand is shipped with the unit itself so that the spring doesn't get scratched or nicked when you put it down on the hard marble surface of yr kitchen counter laboriously polished to a high sheen by yr impoverished housekeepers

srsly can someone explain to me why the shit this exists

an inexplicable custom

why do we name babies before they're born (or moments after they're born whatever) it makes no sense

a name is supposed to be a reflection of one's identity, a unique abstraction designed to encapsulate the totality of the bearer's ontology, therefore it is incredibly arbitrary to name a child or any other element before it has even been brought into the world

for instance native american tribes name their children after the first things they see or something equivalently retarded, so if you are born to a lakota tribe or some shit and the chief sees a 'cautious deer' and you end up growing up as an aggressive bully then for the rest of your existence your life shall be wrought with existential dissonance because your 'label' is not an accurate reflection of 'you' furthermore it will seem as if you are at fault for not matching your name instead of the fault being at the hands of whoever the myopic shit-for-brains who named you was so in this sense it seems as if it is an easily arguable proposition that pre-birth or at-birth names are 'deterministic' in a way because they create a mold into which the individual must fit lest they be burdened with the anguish of life

that or they will represent irony personified

a far better norm by which to abide would be one that sets the naming procedure to one that shields the notion of naming a child after a significant amount of time has elapsed since birth from the notion that such a notion would be socially unacceptable or for some reason philosophically repugnant. so if after like three years it turns out that yr infant sneezes a lot you could call him "sneezy" and all will peacefully coexist in monikerial harmony

this begs the question of what to call the person until the time is right to name him or her

i can imagine the question now casually strolling down the street y'know minding her business and all returning to work from her lunch break (i will personify it as female as to me it seems that if i am going to personify sentences then questions are more feminine whereas declarative sentences are masculine (i am not trying to be gender normative or anything that's just what i feel (ha ha just kidding the questions are girls because in real life girls are stupid and ask a lot of questions and the declarative sentences are guys because the guys answer the questions that the girls ask with unshakeable confidence and commanding authority)))

the question is smart, fashionable, young, on her way to a bright future, certainly won't let anything get in the way of her goals or ambitions, she's headed back to her work building with a stride in her step, her gaze inexorably fixed on the horizon, nothing can stop her now, oh fuck look a homeless dude, (the homeless dude represents this blog post,) this homeless dude is sick, poor, and starved, starved for food and attention

so this homeless guy, weakly hobbles towards her, his step ataxic, a glimmer of madness in his eyes, madness brought on by hunger,

he gets up real close to her face, she is somewhat off-put, since she was doing such a great job of walking back to her destination with such singular focus, it looked pretty bad-ass

he goes up to her and starts begging, begging for money or food or shelter

he is begging her

he is begging the question

help

do you hear that?

that is the sound of the trumpets of triumph

the magnificent bells of victory

the celebration guns, whose shots are clean, straight and true

the marching band of the ages, parading through the streets of the internet, heralding the arrival of their one and only king

a king timeless, wise, and just in rule

a king possessing comedic wit sharper than that of the tooth of a shark (sharks have p. sharp teeth in case you didn't know)

a king bearing a visage more handsome than that of any given handsome fellow

that man is of course me,

to you it may seem as if i have been gone a mere nine days but this is in fact not the case actually the truth behind my absence may 'blow yr mind' so get ready for this

i took a vacation... to the future, yes i was really gone for nine years not days so let me tell you a bit about my visit

the first thing you should know about the future is that the pyramids of giza are upside down, when i first read the newspaper in the future (called "the fututarian") i saw a picture of them and asked the nearest stranger why the hell the pyramids were upside down, her answer was (will be, i guess?) that they were always upside down. as soon as i heard her say this i panicked a little and thought that i had landed myself in an orwellian dystopia

i mean for all i know they tortured and brainwashed me and put me in a cell and i am deluding myself out of my horrible existence by pretending to write blog posts in the past

oh my god am i still in the future i don't remember returning to the past, er, the present

fuck

bottom feeding with boris

it is my pleasure to introduce my friend boris the rushan, he is a genetically enhanced chess/piano/poker prodigy straight from the motherland, also he is rumored to have connections with the mafia so you better not cross paths with him,

he has graciously written the first installment of springwells's clairvoyant.criticism articles, which will provide clairvoyant criticism on high society such as arts, culture, literature, etc,

with that i present this article,

bottom feeding with boris

this week i reviewed the Krusty Krab restaurant, the local burger joint that's second to none. or should i say second to "run" since this critic wanted to make like a banana and peel out the minute he saw how drab this Krab really was

Q: that bad, huh?

once i stuck my beak through that door, my appetite flew south for the winter. i mean, i'm not "kidding" when i say this restaurant smells like the rear-end of a goat.

Q: and how was the service, boris?

you could find livelier help in a graveyard and I'm not just "coffin." the management stunk so bad, I had to get my sweater dry cleaned on the way home with me in it.

however, at the end of my visit, i chowed down on a meal that titillated my taste buds and gratified my gullet. that sponge behind the grill is no square when it comes to cooking! if Krabs really wanted to soak up the dough, he's sponge it up. he'd sponge it out, he'd over-sponge it. you can never have too much sponge.

the english language is retarded

an atheist is a person who rejects theism, this would lead any reasonable person to believe that the prefix a- indicates the opposite of the morpheme to which it is attached

but then bam an exception comes flying out of the proverbial 'left field,' propelled by the unknowable force of linguistics, and smashes the fielder in the head, thus stunning him and knocking him to the ground, if this metaphor is still running i would suppose that this would reflect the linguist being struck on the head by a hefty tome containing the rules and nuances of the english language, falling from the ceiling after being dislodged by miniature tears in the fabric of space time as a consequence of batshit insane philological constructs (the linguist will probably be killed by this impact unfortunately)

the exception i am referring to is of course the word "esthetic" which is a synonym to "aesthetic,"

also "flammable" which is a synonym to "inflammable,"

i wonder if a multidisciplinary linguist-scientist will ever use the convoluted niceties of language to build a time machine or some equivalently physically impossible device

i don't get tablecloths

the idea of them is to 'protect' yr table from spills, stains, damage, etc

but what is the point of doing that if the immaculate aesthetic of the table cannot be appreciated anyways by virtue of the fact that it is being concealed by a tablecloth

and don't say 'the tablecloth has its own aesthetic' no that's bullshit because the tablecloth itself is susceptible to all the things that a tableclothless table is susceptible to so if you are tableclothing the table to protect its aesthetic then you would do the same thing to the tablecloth (with a meta-tablecloth i suppose)

does this make tablecloths ironic? maybe the person who invented the tablecloth is like walking around and observing the massive success of his invention while looking down in disdain and shaking his head at the sorry state to which human society has been brought down by time, stupidity, materialism, capitalism, politics, consumerism, and one more thing shit what is it i can't remember

who knew that tablecloths were a symbol so laden with insight about us and the way we live,

oh yeah the 'thing' i forgot before (that is bringing down human society) is drug use

what i am about to unveil will blow yr mind

ok here we go are you sure that you are ready for this

brace yrself

i'm gonna give you a bit of time (you are going to need it trust me)

are you ready

ok good

let me give you a little bit of time for you to recover from the shock

ok you should be able to pick yr jaw up from off the floor at this point

alright you are doubtlessly still in disbelief so i am just going to straight up confirm what you still probably can't believe you just saw

yes that is an argyle towel

give it a moment to sink in here it is again

yes that is argyle printed on fucking terrycloth

the greatest pattern of all time printed on the greatest material of all time god damn this concept alone probably has the potential to be the subject of a thesis on textiles no scratch that two theses, no actually two theses on awesome

whoever designed this is srsly a genius,

i am going to buy a thousand of these and then take a shower and cocoon myself in them and then fall asleep in my damp cozy shelter of argyle towels and when i awaken i will emerge from my soft envelope of greatness and take a breath of air as my smiling teeth glisten in the sunshine and i will radiate positivity and i will realize how terrific it is to be alive

conversations are war

alright before i direct this post to the subject matter suggested by the name of its title i would like to address a concern that a reader brought up about "chat clients,"

the concern was that i didn't write about pidgin

so here is my answer: i didn't write about pidgin because a pidgin is a bird not a chat client and the post was not about birds, go back to ornithology class you scrub oh and while you're at it why don't you also start paying attention

we now return to yr regularly scheduled programming

a quality film

humans are "social animals" apparently, which means we form relationships networks etc. the way we do this is generally by communicating to each other, nowadays this is achieved by texting/iming/email/whatever and traditionally it has been done by means of smoke signals/carrier pidgins/telegrams

but in my opinion the most glorious form of human communication is the conversation,

think about it, a conversation is like a real time strategy game, you have to keep up the offensive and not run out of topics or embarrass yrself all the while keeping on yr toes thinking of jokes to make to impress yr associates and it really all is quite stressful

but thankfully for yalls i am a "professional conversation warrior" and i am willing to share some of my strategies

you should consider this a huge service and favor because i generally charge thousands of dollars for this information,

battle strategy #1: don't be a loser

ok this probably seems kind of obvious but if you want to have any chance at all of making a name for yrself on the competitive conversationalist circuit then you need to be somewhat interesting to begin with. i mean yeah my nickname on the official forums is "the miracle worker" since i have tutored countless idiots to fame but i need something to work with, some foundation out of which to construct greatness, some mold from which to sculpt the very essence and embodiment of all that is representative of charisma and charm and conversational prowess. so if you are some crazy rpg player whose character level is greater than yr age or if yr greatest accomplishment in life is having devised a method by which to urinate without having to pull down yr pants then i am sorry but close the browser window and go home there is nothing for you here

battle strategy #2: always steer the conversation towards you

if you are talking about oh i don't know unhealthy food then bring up a story about you eating shitty pizza at a local place (you can say this even if it didn't happen btw, this technique will be more closely examined below) and then talk about how you went home and did a bunch of rad stuff that will make the people with whom you are talking look up to you and admire you. another way to pull this off is to subtly but abruptly change the topic, if for instance you are confabulating about the topic of some shit like everyone's favorite colors then what you should do is after someone makes a joke say "ha ha ha oh that reminds me, i bought an obscenely expensive car yesterday" and then talk about the car, probably no one will have a keen enough sense to ask why the joke reminded you of yr anecdote. but you should always have a backup plan in case that happens

battle strategy #3: invent things and hyperbolize

no one cares about how you almost ran over a squirrel on the road, however if you say that there was a pristine deer in the middle of the street, a majestic silhouette crowned by the golden glow of the morning sun, dew glistening on his antlers like crystals dangling from an elaborate chandelier and then you swerved with all yr might to avoid murdering this beautiful creature and thanks to what could only be attributed to divine intervention narrowly avoided crashing into a tree, a great oaken giant, calm, observant, wiser than nature itself then you might cause some people to cry and if there any any girls then they will most likely ask you to hook up with them. oh and if there happens to be a nobel representative hanging around the area eavesdropping on the conversation then he might approach you and grant you the nobel prize for literature on the account that the story you just told was an impeccable allegory of the beauty and delicacy of the balance between nature and man, and the ephemerality thereof. this has happened to me at least two or three times it's pretty sweet

battle strategy #4: plan, organize, develop

although this strategy is three distinct things i am only counting it as 1 strategy because they are pretty similar, ok?

many people think that conversations are very much improvisational performances in that no one ever rolls into a conversation with memorized scripts i mean this is a conversation not a movie after all but those people are wrong, every master conversationalist knows that unless you engage a conversation with prepared defenses then you are dead meat. for instance if i know that my friend david went to a concert recently then i know he is probably going to talk about it. here is where the strategy comes in you have to research everything you can about this concert and the bands that played and have memorized one-ups to every point you think he is going to bring up. seriously just preempt the hell out of everything that way you can't be caught by surprise and as any soldier will tell you the element of surprise is the most powerful element more powerful than hydrogen even (or helium)

but the key is to make all the prepared stuff seem totally natural and normal if you somehow give away that everything is scripted then you are going to lose a massive amount of face because non-conversationalists think that it is strange to be ready

ok hopefully you guys will know how to have better conversations now that i have "enlightened" you feel free to post in the comments about any conversation strategies you would like to add or about conversations you have had recently where you deployed these strategies, etc,

chat clients

ok so today we are going to talk about chat clients,

first of all just so we set everything straight a chat client is a program which enables you to talk to people using a chat protocol, for instance aim is a chat client that allows you to communicate with the oscar protocol

ok now that i have gotten that quick clarification out of the way we may begin

1. aim

aim is dead, if you use it then damn i don't know what to say, go update yr geocities i guess, somehow it has more than 50% marketshare in the united states despite the fact that it's not even shipped as a default program on any operating system. people are dumb i guess at using computers

aim has a dumb blocky interface that really enrages me, and it calls all yr contacts 'buddies' which is ironic because more often than not when a 'buddy' messages me it makes me want to kill the 'buddy' instead of engaging in the type of friendly conversation/banter that would normally be expected of two buddies speaking to each other. perhaps it is my fault and not the fault of the client that my friends are more annoying than i don't know goddamn mosquitos or flies or barely literate teenage girls w/ whiny voices but still i think that having yr contacts labeled buddies is unprofessional and painfully ironic,

oh by the way i know what you're thinking you're thinking "haha since you know so much about aim then you probably use it which invalidates the authenticity of this post because it is berating aim and aim users" but if you are thinking that then you would be wrong because i have never used aim all the information i have on it i have garnered by merely observing other people use it

incidentally the first google result for aim is the america online instant messenger. i would think it would have been something to do with yknow the verb 'to aim' as in 'aim for the stars' etc but evidently corporations are more important than language? i'll leave that to some social philosopher as cud on which to ruminate and thereby create the milk of ideas (and then he can sell the milk at the store and get rich except that never happens with philosophers (or writers in general (probably because this was an ill-considered metaphor to begin with since philosophers are not cows and writing doesn't share many characteristics with milk)))

2. windows live messenger

this client's icon is a picture of two people made of some sort of bubbly, gelatinous material, one is blue, and the other is green, perhaps this is representative of the demographic that regularly utilizes this chat client

if you are an msn user then i am going to preemptively apologize in case you thought that was offensive,

ok not that many people use this client, if you use it then you are probably from canada or europe since people from those areas tend to be more economically and socially developed in terms of the fact that they are more likely to not still be dicking around in the dark ages ie have realized that aim is not the goddamned bee's knees. i'm cool with that i used to use msn myself actually. also msn has the coolest emoticons in my opinion they look realistic (relative to an emoticon which is not saying much but still)

3. meebo

haha meebo is one of these newfangled web app things, like the things google is trying to take over the world with, yknow have all yr shit on the internet instead of on yr hard drive. generally i think this is pretty retarded you know i mean how am i supposed to straight jam to my phat tunes if i don't happen to have an internet connection or are you really going to make me wait like a fucking eternity for all my shit to be pulled down from the internet before i can start operating my computer honestly i think i would prefer to wait for the operating system to boot and have all my files locally

but i think in the case of chat clients then meebo is the exception to the rule that 'web apps are retarded' (which would prove the rule true as any fallacy-prone freshman logic student would tell you) because a chat client is useless if you don't have an internet connection. plus if you use meebo then when you are showing yr computer to a new friend and they notice the conspicuous absence of a natively installed chat program they will ask "where is yr chat program dude" and you can pretend not to have one and be like "man i don't do that shit i am just not digging the instant messaging kool aid know what i mean" and they will want to agree with you and then think that you are the coolest and most hip person ever while you savor their ignorance heh (and later you can make them do favors for you like give you money, help you pick up girls/guys, make you drinks, etc since they will be compelled by yr awesomeness to do whatever they want you to do)

perhaps that is a far fetched scenario but it's worth a try

4. skype

three words for you: get a cell phone

5. ichat

ichat is the default client on osx, which means that if you use it then you are a priori a tool since you use osx. ichat has a really bland and shittastic interface which is really a shame because it has a ton of functionality that other programs don't have (ie screen sharing video chat etc.) i guess it is the opposite of most apple stuff in that regard (high functionality, low aesthetic.) if you are using ichat then i wager you are also using safari instead of chrome/firefox and quicktime instead of vlc

6. trillian

the only thing i know about trillian is that it converts 'LOL' into an emoticon that makes a sound. this can either be hilariously awesome or pretty useless based on yr preferences and the type of people you chat with

and last but certainly not least

7. adium

that duck is so rad, also i think the name is very badass

ok imagine a high school reunion for a high school class that was composed of like every periodic element, i can imagine you know gold (au) just walking around and spitting game at hot bitches like niobium (nb) and neodymium (nd) while the noble gases (he, ne, ar, kr, xe, rn, uuo) are sitting around at a table talking about the latest fuckin fashion trends or best new music or some hipster shit that no one cares about

then radium (ra) walks in and is like "yo what's up dudes i am the most cool and badass element since i'm radioactive"

and adium is like "nah man yr shit is weak radium i'm adium nice to meet yall" and he steals the party

that is all about chat clients