magnets

not a real object

i am pretty sure - no, scratch that. i am fairly certain that magnets aren't real. they exert force at a distance without a goddamn power source for fuck's sake. here are some other things that share this ability:

- wizards

wizards are often seen in fictional media remotely manipulating objects with their wands or other magical (and revolutionary) devices (at unbelievable prices)

- telekinesis

whether it's bending spoons or stopping bullets or controlling water/fire/etc the word 'telekinesis' itself literally means "motion at a distance"

- jedi knights

jedi can use the force to move objects and also to shoot lightning bolts and gain foresight. yoda used the force to pull an x-wing out of the swamp and he doesn't need batteries not even the little tiny ones. well actually if i remember correctly in the movie yoda looks worn out after he does that but he's probably just acting so he seems modest to luke. yoda is just not the kind of douchebag that pulls a plane out of a bog and then does a couple somersaults, "look at me i'm older than the goddamn solar system and i don't get tired doing something you're not even capable of." and in any case when the good guys are having the epic jedi duels with the bad guys they are constantly flinging rocks doors debris etc at each other with the force (because they're too cowardly/lazy to fight each other with their yknow lightsabers) and that doesn't seem to exert them at all

i can discern two commonalities among the three things i listed above, the first is that they can all exert force at a distance and the second is that none of them are real. excuse me i'm about to cause every dead statistician to perform proverbial acrobatics in their graves but i'm going to go out on a metaphorical limb here and assert that these two attributes are causally linked somehow. so the only conclusion is that since magnets can also apply force at a distance, they must also not be real

ok great this post probably is going to fuck up the stock markets because now that i have exposed this secret all the magnet making companies are going to go out of business. and as any scrub who has been paying attention to the news can tell you magnets are basically the lynchpin of the global economy. you could say that the magnet business is holding the markets together because it causes an attractive force among corporations and customers

oh god someone kill me now before i cause another catastrophe