reasons to smoke cigarettes

the cigarette has seen a glorious rise and an ominous demise, it used to be the coolest goddamn thing you could possibly smoke but then some scientists decided to investigate it and realized that it was really bad for yr health and the surgeon general got involved and man it was a huge mess

now there is a sin tax on cigarettes and the people who smoke them are social pariahs/misfits in other words the 'image' of the cigarette and its consumers has been tarred

what an unfortunate series of circumstances for the cigarette,

but as the sages say, what goes down must come up, is that what they really say i don't know. i sense a revival in the popularity of smoking foul, dangerous, and unhealthy tobacco, for the following reasons, so here are the reasons, why you should take up smoking today

1. it's subversive and countercultural

everyone at heart wants to be a cool kid. even if you hate the urban-type culture snobs you are still jealous of them to some degree and the reason why is because they are able to so effortlessly shrug off the shackles of society by being confident and progressive and willing to try out new 'shit,' in other words there is a reason why hipsters always set music and fashion trends even though they are basically retards. well now that the cigarette is essentially universally despised now is your chance to try and be cool (i.e. idiotic) by selecting cigarettes as your thing.

2. it costs a lot of money

in all those health videos that they show in high school there is always this smug economics-type dude with a mustache and a calculator who explains to you how much money you can save over yr lifetime if you quit smoking. well frankly this guy's grasp of economics is elementary at best because he is only analyzing short-term financial consequences. he doesn't understand the concept of an opportunity cost. in other words when you spend money on cigarettes, then you are saving yrself the trouble of spending that money on other, stupider, stuff, for instance by buying a pack of cigarettes you are denying yrself access to money that could be spent on say a poster with all 493 or however goddamn many pokemon there are now on it, or a couple of horrible movies, or clothes that don't fit and are therefore useless. if you spend money on cigarettes then you'll have less money and the chance of fucking up your money is lower because it is an obvious truth that a simpler system with less elements is a lot less susceptible to an entropic shitstorm of irreversible chaos, that is why poor people and retards live such stress free lives, they just have to worry about eating food and finding a place to sleep, whereas rich people have to fret over tax returns and paying bills and hiring enough staff to maintain their six-story mansion and managing a tough ceo position in some crazy prestigious business firm and wondering what lavish gifts to buy with which to spoil their incredibly attractive wives/husbands/heterolifemates and incredibly spoiled children, which life sounds better now, huh, punk? oh by the way do you have a light

3. you will be a perfect freudian specimen

who ever hasn't wished that they could be the anthropomorphic personification of an abstract concept such as a psychoanalytic theory. when you smoke then you are putting in your mouth a long firm cylindrical object. and the tip of it ejects a wispy white discharge. this performance calms and pleasures the user to such an extent that the behavior is addictive,

perhaps the smoking of the cigarette indicates a regression to an earlier stage of psychosexual development, i.e., sucking yr thumb, alternately, it could be the expression of a repressed desire to fellate a penis, whatever in either case smoking is the epitome of outdated psychological theories and so if you want to start smoking and you can find a time machine and go to the late 1800s/early 1900s and meet sigmund freud he'd probably pay you a bunch of cash to study you (then you can buy more cigarettes with the cash (and get studied more, in fact if you do this correctly you could end up with a veritable possé of psychologists following you around everywhere you go, when there is a critical mass of them then you can go around pretending to be their leader and that they are your band of mad scientists and walk into say a store and hold up the store by saying something to the effect of 'give me all the money or i will nuke the store, please note my entourage of mad scientists, trust me, they will not be afraid to bomb this place, and then perform experiments on yr corpse, (and now that you have robbed the store you have more money to buy more cigarettes (it's a positive feedback loop of tragedy))))

i can't think of anything better to do with a time machine actually