slitheringly classic entertainment: a review of snake

some of you pipsqueaks might not be able to relate to this article but i am sure that many of you will. back in like 2000, before everyone had a smartphone with the specs of a high-end computer from like 2000, everyone had a piece of shit phone with a 30x30 pixel screen that couldn't do anything besides make calls and play snake (i don't even remember if texting existed back then, if it did then only super nerdy people used it)

anyway i remember constantly asking my parents to borrow their cell phones so i could play snake, the high score board was shortly plastered with my glorious name

and now for the review

gameplay

obviously the most important aspect of any given game is its gameplay mechanics. in snake you must move the snake around to eat... something, this makes you gain points but also makes the snake longer. if you touch yourself you die. thus the longer the game runs, the more difficult it is to stay alive. this mechanic is brilliant seriously wow how in the world did they come up with this shit. when playing snake, my ass is always on the veritable edge of my proverbial seat, every time i eat the thing, my heart rate surges as my brain panics, oh fuck oh fuck now i'm one unit longer, i'm gonna die. but i'm really goddamn good at snake so i never do. in any case the fact that the difficulty of the game increases as you score more points is a terrific feature that is virtually absent in all other games, which is why snake is so great and addictive. 10/10

graphics

despite being a groundbreakingly addictive and innovative game snake has the shittiest graphics ever, for one it's called snake and there aren't any snakes anywhere no don't tell me that the series of pixels is a snake it's a series of fucking pixels it lacks all of the defining characteristics of snakes such as scales a forked tongue and sharp fangs dripping with poison, it doesn't slither with symbolism or hiss with malicious intent, it doesn't have beady, glittering eyes. it doesn't even glide like a snake it abruptly moves forward one pixel at a time as if in stop-motion, and it can't make smooth turns, nope snake you can't turn fucking northwest you gotta turn west then fucking north. (or north first whatever. there's nothing good in the northwest anyway. you could say in fact that northwestern things are worthless, for instance universities,) whatever ok snake's graphics are definitely its weakest point, they are vague and primordial i don't know what the snake is even trying to eat, 1/10

story

let's be real not everyone who plays games is trying to win. i've seriously had it with hypercompetitive douchebags that research the game's fucking algorithms in an attempt to find glitches to exploit so they can defeat their "friends." some people just like to take it easy and enjoy the literary and storytelling ability of the designers, sadly though it seems as if the creators of snake were as creatively endowed as robots working in a factory (or graduate school,) the game's plot is not underdeveloped, but absent. i want to know the snake's past, why he is out to eat all of these things, why he grows longer every time he eats one, and why in the world he blows up when he touches himself, whoever cursed him with this characteristic must be the most wicked motherfucker to walk the earth, srsly imagine getting killed every time you come into contact with yrself. maybe if i knew more about the story behind this game i would have some sympathy with the snake as a protagonist. i'd be more motivated to drive him to success. i'd have higher scores on average probably. but alas, i do not, the story of the snake is as mysterious as the snake itself, 0/10 for the game's storyline

weighted average: 6.8/10

snake, despite its shortcomings, is a good game overall. it is not as strategic as starcraft, not deep as bioshock, not aesthetic as mirror's edge. but it's still a great game - a classic - and remains unrivaled in its ability to waste time while waiting for the train to arrive or for your prison term to end. snake, i - no, we - salute you.