gender role confusion

thought experiment: the ratio of straight to gay people is switched

so now straight people probably get discriminated against because they are the minority, and can't get married and belligerent 13-year olds comment on youtube videos with such constructions as "wow this sh1t is soooo str8 y did u even make this"

but also the world population is much smaller because a lot less people are having babies, that means less people in the workforce, which means smaller scale economies, slower technological advancement, etc

in fact, since being heterosexual is socially deviant, the act or notion of conception itself is disgraceful, people have kids in secret, and instead of being stigmatized for being adopted, kids adopted by gay couples are the cool kids on the block because their parents aren't dirty fuckin heteros.

also people are more stylish flamboyant and dramatic

reasons to smoke cigarettes

the cigarette has seen a glorious rise and an ominous demise, it used to be the coolest goddamn thing you could possibly smoke but then some scientists decided to investigate it and realized that it was really bad for yr health and the surgeon general got involved and man it was a huge mess

now there is a sin tax on cigarettes and the people who smoke them are social pariahs/misfits in other words the 'image' of the cigarette and its consumers has been tarred

what an unfortunate series of circumstances for the cigarette,

but as the sages say, what goes down must come up, is that what they really say i don't know. i sense a revival in the popularity of smoking foul, dangerous, and unhealthy tobacco, for the following reasons, so here are the reasons, why you should take up smoking today

1. it's subversive and countercultural

everyone at heart wants to be a cool kid. even if you hate the urban-type culture snobs you are still jealous of them to some degree and the reason why is because they are able to so effortlessly shrug off the shackles of society by being confident and progressive and willing to try out new 'shit,' in other words there is a reason why hipsters always set music and fashion trends even though they are basically retards. well now that the cigarette is essentially universally despised now is your chance to try and be cool (i.e. idiotic) by selecting cigarettes as your thing.

2. it costs a lot of money

in all those health videos that they show in high school there is always this smug economics-type dude with a mustache and a calculator who explains to you how much money you can save over yr lifetime if you quit smoking. well frankly this guy's grasp of economics is elementary at best because he is only analyzing short-term financial consequences. he doesn't understand the concept of an opportunity cost. in other words when you spend money on cigarettes, then you are saving yrself the trouble of spending that money on other, stupider, stuff, for instance by buying a pack of cigarettes you are denying yrself access to money that could be spent on say a poster with all 493 or however goddamn many pokemon there are now on it, or a couple of horrible movies, or clothes that don't fit and are therefore useless. if you spend money on cigarettes then you'll have less money and the chance of fucking up your money is lower because it is an obvious truth that a simpler system with less elements is a lot less susceptible to an entropic shitstorm of irreversible chaos, that is why poor people and retards live such stress free lives, they just have to worry about eating food and finding a place to sleep, whereas rich people have to fret over tax returns and paying bills and hiring enough staff to maintain their six-story mansion and managing a tough ceo position in some crazy prestigious business firm and wondering what lavish gifts to buy with which to spoil their incredibly attractive wives/husbands/heterolifemates and incredibly spoiled children, which life sounds better now, huh, punk? oh by the way do you have a light

3. you will be a perfect freudian specimen

who ever hasn't wished that they could be the anthropomorphic personification of an abstract concept such as a psychoanalytic theory. when you smoke then you are putting in your mouth a long firm cylindrical object. and the tip of it ejects a wispy white discharge. this performance calms and pleasures the user to such an extent that the behavior is addictive,

perhaps the smoking of the cigarette indicates a regression to an earlier stage of psychosexual development, i.e., sucking yr thumb, alternately, it could be the expression of a repressed desire to fellate a penis, whatever in either case smoking is the epitome of outdated psychological theories and so if you want to start smoking and you can find a time machine and go to the late 1800s/early 1900s and meet sigmund freud he'd probably pay you a bunch of cash to study you (then you can buy more cigarettes with the cash (and get studied more, in fact if you do this correctly you could end up with a veritable possé of psychologists following you around everywhere you go, when there is a critical mass of them then you can go around pretending to be their leader and that they are your band of mad scientists and walk into say a store and hold up the store by saying something to the effect of 'give me all the money or i will nuke the store, please note my entourage of mad scientists, trust me, they will not be afraid to bomb this place, and then perform experiments on yr corpse, (and now that you have robbed the store you have more money to buy more cigarettes (it's a positive feedback loop of tragedy))))

i can't think of anything better to do with a time machine actually

pice

you know that feeling at a party or gathering when someone who is like socially awkward shows you something absolutely retarded and asks "cool right cool right" and you nod quietly but internally you're retching and vomiting and dying and then you try and get the hell away from him in an attempt to disassociate yourself from him

yeah well this "product" totally epitomizes that feeling

imagine yeah you're pouring yourself a drink minding yr own business appreciating the lo-fi downtempo chill music that's playing in the background or looking at the nice artwork on the wall when your "friend" shows up and asks hey is yr drink cold enough and you're like yeah and he's like nah looks warm to me as if he has synaesthesia and can fucking visually perceive temperatures and all of a sudden pulls out this ice tray with pi ice cubes (pice cubes) and drops some in yr drink and then says don't thank me, thank newton's law of cooling!!! and the only thing you're thinking is jesus christ i hope nobody saw this happen

but the real problem is that we're reinforcing this type of behavior. when you just give a complicit nod you're implying that the guy is right, we have to reconceptualize our strategy, next time this happens to you you have to say "no this is idiotic leave me the fuck alone" and then stuff the pice cubes down his throat

promise you'll say that, i want to hear you say you promise, come on say it out loud

holy shit

i finally figured out how to rephrase the title of the post about crimes that are incredibly easy to get away with so that it no longer ends in a preposition

it's "crimes with which getting away is incredibly easy"

i made some abstract art

btw it's iphone wallpaper sized so feel free to download it and use it, as an iphone wallpaper

what do you think what do you think

life in three dimensions

so i saw alice in wonderland in 3d a couple of weeks ago and must have left the glasses in my pocket or something because i found them in my pants recently, i decided to start wearing them regularly

therefore i can see in 3d now, you should get some yrself and try it out, it's "hella legit" trust me it adds a whole new dimension to life

crimes that are incredibly easy to get away with

this is a metaphor

if you are anything like me then it is likely that yr moral compass is long gone, either you disassembled it piece by piece, individually separated all of the atoms, and collided them into antimatter particles thus removing them from existence, or the metaphorical earth-analogue to the compass underwent that weird shit where the two poles switch their magnetism so the compass now points in the wrong direction, or you went blind and can no longer see where the needle is pointing, or you lifted the glass cover and took the needle and stabbed someone's eyes with it and then took all their money

in any case now that you are liberated from the oppressive shackles of 'law' and more importantly 'morality' you're free to do whatever shit you want to no matter how illegal immoral or socially stigmatized it is. if you are wondering what to do with your newfound superpowers then you are no longer going to need to wonder what to do with your newfound superpowers because i am about to make some suggestions regarding what you can do with your newfound superpowers in terms of actions that can benefit your self-interest while simultaneously incurring a very low risk of being caught and handled by the authorities, that would be embarrassing wouldn't it? your psyche would be unclothéd and your lack of a compass will be revealed to all, oh and also you will probably be in jail with some big angry dudes, my only advice is don't drop the soap, unless you want to know what it feels like to have a needle in yr compass, if you know what i mean, (haha this takes the meaning of 'magnetism' to a whole new level, like electromagnetism, damn)

1. shoplifting

unlike lift shopping, which is a process by which any given individual enters a lift store (forklifts, elevators, etc) and legitimately acquires a lift by means of giving the owner of the shop money, shoplifting is a process by which any given individual enters a store (lift store, fork store, etc,) and illegitimately acquires a product (lift, fork, etc) by sneaking it out.

some stores have security 'cameras' but these are easy to deal with because you can just take an emp with you and disable them (let's for a moment pretend like you don't need a military license or whatever shit you need to carry an emp to carry an emp) or do it the old fashioned way and disconnect the cables manually

2. software piracy

install torrent client, download torrent, leech. done. no one will ever know. except you.

3. piracy

steal a ship, get a crew, pillage and plunder. done. no one will ever know. except you. and yr crew.

4. slander and libel

tell a lie about someone in a published work

you always will get away with this because no one will ever read anything you publish

5. forgery

some master forgers spend years learning how to duplicate the handwriting of others, however there is a much easier way to commit forgery, just kidnap the person whose signature you want to forge and force them at gunpoint to sign. you will probably get in trouble for the kidnapping but if you can get past that point it's virtually impossible to get caught for the forgery itself

6. writing this post

i am closer to dying than i've ever been. every second is a second i'll never get back. spending my time on this is a crime i should be doing something else

brb gonna go have a mind-bendingly awesome experience

p.s. does anyone have any idea how to rephrase the title of this post so that it doesn't end in a preposition. i've been thinking about it for days on end, my eyes are red and itching for sleep, because i have been thinking about it instead of sleeping, i don't think it's "crimes with which it is incredibly easy to get away" because then the word 'it' has no antecedent, fuck

slitheringly classic entertainment: a review of snake

some of you pipsqueaks might not be able to relate to this article but i am sure that many of you will. back in like 2000, before everyone had a smartphone with the specs of a high-end computer from like 2000, everyone had a piece of shit phone with a 30x30 pixel screen that couldn't do anything besides make calls and play snake (i don't even remember if texting existed back then, if it did then only super nerdy people used it)

anyway i remember constantly asking my parents to borrow their cell phones so i could play snake, the high score board was shortly plastered with my glorious name

and now for the review

gameplay

obviously the most important aspect of any given game is its gameplay mechanics. in snake you must move the snake around to eat... something, this makes you gain points but also makes the snake longer. if you touch yourself you die. thus the longer the game runs, the more difficult it is to stay alive. this mechanic is brilliant seriously wow how in the world did they come up with this shit. when playing snake, my ass is always on the veritable edge of my proverbial seat, every time i eat the thing, my heart rate surges as my brain panics, oh fuck oh fuck now i'm one unit longer, i'm gonna die. but i'm really goddamn good at snake so i never do. in any case the fact that the difficulty of the game increases as you score more points is a terrific feature that is virtually absent in all other games, which is why snake is so great and addictive. 10/10

graphics

despite being a groundbreakingly addictive and innovative game snake has the shittiest graphics ever, for one it's called snake and there aren't any snakes anywhere no don't tell me that the series of pixels is a snake it's a series of fucking pixels it lacks all of the defining characteristics of snakes such as scales a forked tongue and sharp fangs dripping with poison, it doesn't slither with symbolism or hiss with malicious intent, it doesn't have beady, glittering eyes. it doesn't even glide like a snake it abruptly moves forward one pixel at a time as if in stop-motion, and it can't make smooth turns, nope snake you can't turn fucking northwest you gotta turn west then fucking north. (or north first whatever. there's nothing good in the northwest anyway. you could say in fact that northwestern things are worthless, for instance universities,) whatever ok snake's graphics are definitely its weakest point, they are vague and primordial i don't know what the snake is even trying to eat, 1/10

story

let's be real not everyone who plays games is trying to win. i've seriously had it with hypercompetitive douchebags that research the game's fucking algorithms in an attempt to find glitches to exploit so they can defeat their "friends." some people just like to take it easy and enjoy the literary and storytelling ability of the designers, sadly though it seems as if the creators of snake were as creatively endowed as robots working in a factory (or graduate school,) the game's plot is not underdeveloped, but absent. i want to know the snake's past, why he is out to eat all of these things, why he grows longer every time he eats one, and why in the world he blows up when he touches himself, whoever cursed him with this characteristic must be the most wicked motherfucker to walk the earth, srsly imagine getting killed every time you come into contact with yrself. maybe if i knew more about the story behind this game i would have some sympathy with the snake as a protagonist. i'd be more motivated to drive him to success. i'd have higher scores on average probably. but alas, i do not, the story of the snake is as mysterious as the snake itself, 0/10 for the game's storyline

weighted average: 6.8/10

snake, despite its shortcomings, is a good game overall. it is not as strategic as starcraft, not deep as bioshock, not aesthetic as mirror's edge. but it's still a great game - a classic - and remains unrivaled in its ability to waste time while waiting for the train to arrive or for your prison term to end. snake, i - no, we - salute you.